Amazing roadmeet, shitty bus service

If Greyhound had pulled a stunt Saturday like they did yesterday, it would've ruined a roadmeet 14 years in the making. Indeedity-doodledly, it would've spoiled what may be the greatest Roads Scholaring session in the hobby's long history. And there would've been unshirted hell to pay.

On Saturday, I attended the nationwide roadmeet in St. Louis, which drew almost 30 people. Nobody but nobody disputes that it was one of the best roadmeets ever - for a variety of reasons.

I arrived early enough to roam around downtown St. Louis for hours. But the actual meet began with a luncheon at 11 AM. When I read beforehand that baked beans would be on the menu, I had a hunch that one of the highlights of the roadmeet would have nothing to do with roads. I wasn't disappointed. Two silent-but-deadly bunker blasts were reported during lunch.

That wasn't even flatulence's first cameo of the day. An SBD had also wafted that morn at the Indianapolis bus station - where I also noticed that someone had thrown a penny in a urinal. (I dared not remove the coinage, for fear of a hepatitis outbreak.) In fact, an SBD was reported even before I left for the meet: Another Roads Scholar notified me that a stinker erupted on his flight to the event.

Oh yes, the roads. Roady highlights include a bumpy, forgotten street near the St. Louis riverfront, a spang-new I-70 span, and the Chain of Rocks Bridge. Decent all. This turned out to be a "choose your own adventure" event, for several cars in our motorcade opted to deviate from the itinerary.

But the air biscuits weren't done wafting yet! Someone let loose with a loud-and-proud during dinner. Another LAP trouser sneeze bombarded the premises right when I was getting ready to go home.

The unprecedented success of the meet itself contrasts with my experiences with Greyhound - which were miserable both to and from the meet. If someone had cracked a loominsky on the bus from Cincinnati to Indianapolis, nobody would have noticed, because the stench of the restroom filled the coach all the while. Worse, I got no sleep whatsoever on the trip there - primarily because a sleeping passenger next to me on the route from Indianapolis to St. Louis seemed to slowly conquer my seat. Also, this bus was late arriving in St. Louis.

That was nothing compared to the unmitigated disaster that defined the trip home. The departure of my first Greyhound bus home was initially delayed 2 hours, even though the bus was idling at the platform long before it was even supposed to leave. The reason for this was never explained, as there were no weather delays whatsoever. After we got moving, we made it 20 miles outside St. Louis when we noticed the heater in the bus was broken - which forced us to return to St. Louis for a different bus. This wosted another 40 minutes - plus another half-hour waiting at the terminal for the replacement bus, even though it was sitting there the whole time.

We got to Indianapolis 3 hours late. Then there was another half-hour wait - even though the scheduled layover had already been completely eaten up by the earlier delays. After the bus to Cincinnati got moving, the driver told us we were being rerouted through Dayton, Ohio. For no apparent reason.

I got no sleep on the way home, because by this point, I was so angry that I was just too animated to sleep. Most of the other passengers felt the same way. I haven't heard so much cussing in years. The only sleep I got during my outing was a couple brief snoozes as we gathered right before I went home. (Does this trip count as a mish because these unplanned naps were on the floor of a hotel room? I'm going to have to consult the mish judges.)

When we got to Dayton, the bus let us off. Greyhound then said it would be another 4 hours, then a different bus would take us to Cincinnati. I decided I was better off calling a family member who lived near Cincinnati to pick me up in Dayton.

Greyhound tried to put a diaper on my trip, but even the hopelessly delayed route from St. Louis to Indianapolis yielded some amusement. Other passengers kept complaining because there was no toilet paper in the restroom on the bus - on a 4-hour route, no less. A young woman on the bus stood up and gave a speech about her personal health problems - and appeared to be ready to drop her pants in front of everyone to underscore the point. Also, the scent of a bunker blast was detected - which was so strong that other riders were heard discussing it. Since the bus was moving, I can only conclude that we drove into a fart.

But nobody bubbled.