Sunday, August 31, 2014

Beverage smuggling tradition continues

Know what today was? Sure. Sure you do, boys and girls.

This evening I went to the annual Labor Day fireworks that were part of Riverfest - or Rip-off-fest, as I like to call it. Once again, I smuggled a bottle of soda into the festival in my pants pocket - violating one of the event's most enduring Allowed Clouds.

Just goes to show, I can't be controlled (to use Work-for-Less Jamie's terminology)!

Since the radio soundtrack for the fireworks was supposed to be a salute to the '80s, they should have at least let us bring beverages into the festival without posting military police to try to stop us. Then it would be more like the actual, real '80s, before that arbitrary rule was enacted.

In keeping with the '80s theme, I saw a Geddy Lee look-alike. Also in keeping with the '80s theme, one hapless gent was in such a festive mood that he bubbled.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Pendleton GOP brags about vote buying


Republican leaders in one northern Kentucky county just don't know when to stop bumping their gums.

I've kept an eye on the Facebook page of the Pendleton County Republican Party - where they like to post photos of their meetings that draw all of 9 people and where they needlessly hoard ketchup. But my eyes detected something rather interesting regarding one recent post.

The post featured several photos of local residents who won prizes from a drawing that the GOP conducted at the Pendleton County Youth Fair. The prizes included such newfangled inventions as a TV set and a grill.

Uh, you do know that's a form of vote buying - don't you? And it's illegal.

The county GOP's posting said the prizes were donated by local businesses. But a photo of the TV packaging features a sign that clearly states the TV was donated by the campaign of the Republican candidate for our local Kentucky Senate seat. So the GOP lied about that too. But even if the prizes were donated by businesses, it would still be illegal for a political party to carry out such a drawing.

Whooo, man, is the Pendleton County Republican Party in trouble! Or at least they would be if The Media actually bothered to investigate this story - which they won't. So they'll carry on - embarrassing the county and the state as long as they dare.

Lawn Chair Quarterback: "Bread"

A school bus monitor once gave a co-worker bread for Christmas, and hilarity ensued...

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Even Oregon has celebrity look-alikes

Celeb doubles are everywhere! Even in states I've never even been to! I've just been informed that a Mitt Romney look-alike was seen at a Super 8 hotel in Roseburg, Oregon.

I've also been told that a Bobby Knight look-alike was sighted at a party - though not in Oregon.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Lawmakers must investigate right-wing media

If you're like me, you dream every day about Brit Hume being grilled and humiliated in front of the whole country by a panel of tough, progressive legislators. I hope that someday soon, members of Congress or a state legislature will have the guts to start a committee to do just that to right-wing media figures far and wide.

Once upon a time, there was something called the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Although the committee's name was quickly tarnished by lawmakers who abused it to advance their own Red-baiting agenda, the committee was actually conceived in 1938 with a noble purpose: to investigate industrialists who supported the Nazis. In fact, it had a predecessor known as the Special Committee on Un-American Activities Authorized to Investigate Nazi Propaganda and Certain Other Propaganda Activities - a name that was a bit long but was less ambiguous about its target.

To avoid being hijacked by the McCarthyist Right, a new legislative committee should have an unambiguous name that identifies it as a tool to investigate right-wing extremism. But one thing is clear: A committee like this must appear somewhere - whether in Congress or in one of the statehouses.

Despite their phony claims to patriotism, the allegiances of the right-wing media are not recognizably American. This has become clearer than ever in recent months, as they've swiftboated Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl and Montana's Sen. John Walsh. America's Far Right also has a long record of supporting foreign dictatorships that hate Americans, like in the Singapore flap of 1994. And why do they support offshoring American jobs and moving corporate headquarters overseas to avoid paying American taxes?

Old Glory is made of tough stuff. But we need legislators and public officials who will stand up for the good ol' U.S. and A. instead of running it down like the right-wing media is so intent on doing.

My idea, incidentally, is not a form of McCarthyism of the left. The committee that I propose would gather facts to fight a real threat - as the House Committee on Un-American Activities was originally intended to do before the paranoid Right ruined it. That committee unfortunately went on to do some unsavory things after it was taken over - but a repeat can be avoided if the name of our new committee more clearly reflects our goals. Make no mistake: The right-wing press is a true menace to our republic - perhaps the most serious threat in modern times.

Don't hold your breath if you want to see the broken U.S. House start a committee to probe right-wing media. But that doesn't mean congressional leaders shouldn't be pestered until it happens.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Lawn Chair Quarterback: "H Is For Hydrocortisone"

One Big H deserves another...

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!

Earlier I returned home from another trip to St. Louis. This trip was strictly recreational - focusing largely on a baseball game there - and was planned weeks ago. Ongoing events in that area did not affect my plans.

Several celebrity look-alikes were seen during my trip: Elvis Presley, Falco, Moon Zappa, and Katy Perry. Best all, an LAP bunker blast was detected.

Also, during the ball game, I saw 2 spectators who were in such a basebally mood that they bubbled. This includes a young woman who blew a huge bubble with bubble gum that burst all over her face. She spent the next minute or so peeling strands of burst bubble gum off her skin. (We were due for one of these, weren't we?)

Friday, August 15, 2014

Lawn Chair Quarterback: "Tim Discovers Mapping Software"

Discover mapping software before mapping software discovers you...

Rick Perry indicted

Recently, I observed that there were at least 4 current Republican governors in the good ol' U.S. and A. nation who were about to be indicted - and I thought there could be 5 or 6. But I didn't think Rick Perry of Texas was among them - as much as I would've liked for him to be among them.

Well, that's all changed, because today Perry was indicted on felony charges of abuse of official capacity and coercion of a public servant - after he carried out a threat to veto funding for prosecution of public corruption. The ultraconservative buffoon is now the first Texas governor in 97 years to be indicted. The first charge carries 5 to 99 years in prison; the second carries 2 to 10.

Naturally, the right-wing armchair commentators are already defending Perry on newspaper websites.

Perry isn't running again, but is this a game changer for the upcoming midterms? If poo. If a Democrat had been indicted for the same thing, you know it would likely cost the Democrats the Senate - and yes, even the closely watched Kentucky House. Maybe even a Campbell County Fiscal Court seat. But the Republicans are of course held to a lower standard.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Have no fear, the August ish is here!

Did you know that the August edition of The Last Word - our long-running fanzine of freedom - is now pub? Indeedaroony!

The latest ish discusses these important topics...

• My newest battle with bad computer speakers.

• The uproarious rise of mapping software.

• Kings Island ridiculousness.

• Another funny poo-poo story.

So point your proboscis here...

Friday, August 8, 2014

Lawn Chair Quarterback: "From Paducah Down To Natchez, People Praise Mr. Patches"

Tim talks about a character on 'The Uncle Al Show' who adapted an Eastern mantra for Western viewing tastes...

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Cincinnati mayor backs voting amendment

For a city with such a conservative reputation 20 years ago, it's surprising that it would take a progressive step like endorsing a new voting rights amendment.

Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley has become America's first mayor to publicly support a proposed amendment to the U.S. Constitution safeguarding the right to vote.

Doesn't the Constitution already protect the right to vote? By any real legal theory, yes. But this right has been chipped away at by right-wing lawmakers and activist judges. The Federalist Society terrorists on the Supreme Court even gutted the Voting Rights Act of 1965!

The new amendment should be passed - quickly. But with the toilet-like miasma of obstructionism looming over Congress and state legislatures, don't count on it.

Right-wing media attacks candidate for disability?

Shame on the Columbus Dispatch, Cincinnati Enquirer, and Associated Press. Shame, shame, shame!

My optimism about the upcoming midterm elections just sank like a rock because of The Media pawing around for a scandal where none seems to exist. The big "scandal" according to Ohio's right-wing press in recent days is the discovery that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Ed FitzGerald lacked a full driver's license for 4 years of his adult life.


So that's a "scandal"? What if he didn't drive in that timeframe? If he lives along a transit line or has a family member drive for him, why drive? If you don't drive, why get a license?

What if Ed FitzGerald had active epilepsy and was therefore barred from getting a license? In some jurisdictions, if you've had even one seizure in your entire life, you can't get a license - even if the seizures have been under control ever since.

What if FitzGerald had neuropathic nerve damage? I have neuropathic nerve damage. Is that a "scandal" now?

I don't know Ed FitzGerald's medical history, but isn't it at least possible that he couldn't drive due to a disability?

The Media is like the bully in school who beat up the kid in the wheelchair.

It turns out FitzGerald did have a limited license during at least some of that timeframe. If he was "seen driving" on a valid license, who the hell cares?!

Is it possible there's more to the story? Anything is possible, since it's hard to disprove a negative. But it's no more possible than it would be if it was any other politician.

FitzGerald - a Democrat - should be held to the same standard as any Republican. If the need arises, I will. But FitzGerald isn't on the verge of being indicted for any felonies - unlike at least 4 current Republican governors across the nation.

From this story, we know The Media is intent on doubling down for the next 3 months to "elect" Republicans. Brace yourselves.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

When Tim went to Sedamsville

I almost forgot to warn the world that I've posted last month's Roads Scholaring photos for the whole wide world to see. There's 22 items, and you can bip 'em all right here...

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Weird Al takes on the Tea Party?

I've got a new favorite song, everyone! If I had a personal weekly top 10 chart, this track would be #1 this week!

"Weird Al" Yankovic is back with a new album, and among its many instant classics is an original tune titled "First World Problems." This hilarious song lampoons a spoiled rich guy who complains about minor nuisances, such as his mansion being too big for wi-fi to cover it all.

The video is even funnier...

When I was in college, I had repeated altercations with a thug who I knew only as Helmethead. I called him that because of his hairstyle. He kept harassing me in the downstairs food court at NKU. In the above video, Weird Al strongly resembles ol' Helmethead. In fact, he looks just like him!!! Which is suitable because the song reflects Helmethead's spoiled outlook on life.

Is Mr. Yankovic actually singing about the Tea Party? All the Tea Party does is bellyache about how life is so unfair because the rich have to pay taxes just like working people do. Remember when the Tea Party held a convention in Washington, D.C., and demanded that the city add a special subway route just for them? That's the sort of crybaby that Weird Al seems to be singing about.

Weird Al is fighting the Evil Empire!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Another bunker blast hovers

Today at an important family gathering, the unmistakable audio of an LAP air biscuit was detected. It was as uproarious as you might imagine. This conduct was likened to that of a 12-year-old.

I laughed.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Lawn Chair Quarterback: "Speakers Of The House"

Brand new computer speakers mysteriously appear...