7 more weird dreams!

I have lots of strange dreams - the most common theme of which is escaping the poopy clutches of the catastrophic Bishop Brossart High School. But I've amassed several dreams over the past 14 months that are truly bizarre....

• While I was camping out at Big Bend during last year's fact-finding mission, I had a dream about an episode of Leave It To Beaver in which Ward and the Beav were playing the board game Sorry! along with Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show. Every time something didn't go his way, Ward yelled out, "Goddammit!" Aunt Bee eventually tired of this behavior and left. Then Ward gave Beaver a lecture about the Federal Reserve and "sound money."

• In another dream, rapper Humpty Hump hired me to guard a disk drive.

• In yet another dream, Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez visited Cincinnati and paid for a chauffeur to drive me all over Boone County.

• I also had a dream in which singer John Mayer stabbed somebody on Fountain Square during a rally and then tearfully confessed to it.

• I had a dream in which I was a teenager again and started a pirate radio station that illegally rebroadcast college football and basketball games. In this dream, my dad punished me by requiring me to write a letter of apology to all the stations that were duly authorized to carry these sporting events. The letter was to be read over the air at each station. However, this did not apply to New York stations, as they were assumed to be profitable enough.

• In another dream that placed me back in my teenage years, an insurance company sent a letter to my parents accusing me of accidentally burning down an abandoned limestone mine in Highland Heights. The letter was hand-delivered by a Highland Heights police officer who was on the force years ago.

• In the latest weird dream, some towering fratboy type walked past a map of Campbell County on display in a public building and sliced it with a box cutter. He almost decapitated me by not putting the box cutter away fast enough as he walked past.

These dreams will puzzle psychologists for centuries to come.