Drug testing and me

Lots of controversy has erupted in recent weeks over Facebook's intolerance of anybody who dares to disagree with the myriad of drug warrior fan sites that have proliferated there lately. (One of these sites was promoted by my former high school.) While all of these groups fill up with racist propaganda, folks have had their accounts yanked just for disagreeing with it.

Because I've joined several Facebook groups designed to counter the War on Drugs propagandists, the drug warriors have asked me why a working guy like me - who probably had to take a drug test for work - opposes drug tests for unemployed welfare recipients.

I've given plenty of reasons to oppose it. But on a personal level, having to take a drug test has only reinforced my opposition to drug screenings of everybody else.

Truth be told, however, I've only had to take a drug test once in my whole life. It wasn't for work - despite the numerous jobs I've held. When I worked at the library, I wasn't tested. When I worked for the Department for the Interior, I wasn't tested. Believe me, if an employer made me piss in a cup, I would've either told them to shove it or complained to my union.

Because I've never gotten TANF or food stamps, I've never been tested for these either. I think the only state that's ever administered drug tests for these programs is Michigan (thanks to that dickhead John Engler), and that was ruled unconstitutional years ago.

What's the one instance in which I've taken a drug test? Can you guess?

It was when I was 16 and was illegally sent to a youth confinement center (without a trial) because I got expelled from a Catholic high school.

I shouldn't even count this, because I don't even think the guards completed the test. They made me pee in a cup, but I don't think they tested the urine. I think they just assumed we were all on drugs (even though we weren't). To them, everybody was a druggie.

What did they do with our urine? I don't know, but I find it rather suspicious that the apple juice there was very warm and salty and tasted nothing like apples.

My current policy is: I will not take a drug test. For anybody. I'll live in the woods and eat berries if I have to. But I won't take a drug test. That is something you cannot make me do.

Not for work, not for government benefits, not for anybody.

My only regret is not refusing to be tested on that one lone occasion. If they were going to shove a pipe up my urinary tract because I refused, just think of the lawsuit that'd result.